Frivolous Indecision

Yes, you are seeing a new blog title. I am making a few changes here and I am taking this blog into a different direction. Part of this is because I want to do something….more. Because I have always loved blogging (I can’t believe I have blogged the better part of 11 years now!) and because I want do to something to challenge me and help me grow in new and exciting ways. So, just a warning…things will be a little different around here.

Now, for the update. Back in April I posted THIS. It was my way of “checking in” on things I wanted to improve or change this year. (my “non” resolutions?) I thought it was time for me to check up on my thoughts and progress….

1. To read at least 5 good/classic books – Gone With The Wind, These Is My Words, Anna Karenina, Eve and The Choice in Eden, Wuthering Heights (just to name 5…lol) – Goal accomplished! And, honestly this has really inspired me to read more thought-provoking and classic novels. I LOVE reading and I love that this goal has inspired me to continue to read worth-while material. Yay me!

2. To Eat Better – A work in progress! I am doing MUCH better with sugar. I cut refined sugar out at the beginning of the summer. Now, while I will eat sugar from time to time (Chocolate bag at McCormick’s for my anniversary) I don’t have nearly the cravings or even the desire to eat it like I used to. I don’t deny myself entirely but the balance is there and I feel SO much better! This summer has been a little challenging since I haven’t been home a lot but 3 weeks ago when we got home from Utah we got back on track with better meals and my eating has greatly improved. I noticed some of my clothes are a little looser and that has been a huge motivator for me to continue with our healthier eating choices. I still workout every morning and I *love* it! I love being able to work out without interruptions or schedules interfering. I feel so much more energy from this “early to bed/early to rise” schedule I’ve been on. I feel like this goal will be one I will continue for years but I honestly feel progress since the last “review” I did.

3. To grow spiritually by reading my scriptures more diligently and other church publications – Still reading the BOM every morning before going to the gym. It really just starts my day out well. No matter how cranky/groggy/foggy/whatever I might be in the morning when I get up. Reading first thing really sets my mind and centers my soul. I picked “Jesus The Christ” back up since it had been some time since I read it and frankly I think I speed-read it the first time. I am half way through and I really feel like I am getting more out of it this time around. There are things that resonate with me more and I like feeling that “light bulb” go on when something connects with me. =) I definitely feel like I am progressing through this goal in the manner which I intended.

4. To focus more on positive things around me and strive to have more positive and uplifting influences. – I really have been feeling more peace this summer. I have had some real trials over the past year and a few challenges this summer. I have to say that I know that my interaction with others I have been at peace. I have been loving and I have been understanding. I have set boundaries which have helped me still care for or love others without getting mired in the drama or in the chaos that is in their lives. I have to say that I honestly think that my 3rd goal along with my daily prayers have really helped me not feel negative toward others or situations that come my way. I’m not perfect by any means and it doesn’t mean that I don’t get hurt by others’ actions or frustrated when I am put in situations by others’ actions or words. But, I have become stronger in my ability to stay out of the fray and not get pulled in by drama or chaos caused by others even if they do try to involve me.

5. To take the time to enjoy the simple joys with my children and husband. – I LOVE this! FHE, night swims in the pool as a family, movie dates, a 2nd honeymoon with my sweet husband, an impromptu vacay to Utah with 3 of the kids. We have had great times just here at the house together and we have done a few things (rather unexpectedly) away from here. But no matter what I have seen the kids bond with each other and with both me and my husband in wonderful ways since I have tried to make this a priority. The best part is some of the best experiences have been just hanging out in the home. I love to see the kids really getting along and it has been a blessing this summer to see them just enjoy time together, laugh and play. I am so blessed!

I am grateful for…. 1. gorgeous storms and seeing the magnificence of nature. 2. a clean bathroom. 3. tomatoes….I am…I just love them. 4. the sound of my children laughing. 5. the sound of my oldest snoring….you have no idea how much I love it when he goes to sleep at a decent hour! LOL

And of course….a little music to brighten your day…

Beginning of school always marks new things in our home. As, I am sure it does for many. The youngest two went for their first day today. I did not get pictures because I am a loser mother and I got home from the gym just in time to take them. JoJo, the silly girl decided she wanted my assistance in making sure she got her locker and knew where her team’s hallway was. She was so cute and yet so grown up in some ways. Still….my little girl though. Campbell, however decided that he was old enough to go on his own. “I’m good mom. I’m older now you know and I know where my pod is. You don’t need to come in because I can do this on my own.” As cheerful as I could be I let him know I was proud of him for being so “grown up” and for being good on his own. Doesn’t mean I didn’t sniffle a little when I drove away watching him wave with a big ole smile on his face. It is endearing to see my kids get to these milestones and happily proceed wanting to be independent and making those “older” choices on their own. I do have to admit I got a little misty-eyed when he decided he didn’t need me. I guess those days of walking your child into school and making sure they are happy and secure in the four walls of their classroom are over. Lesigh.

Mallea is being home schooled or going through independent study or whateveryouwanttocallit. It was time for her. We always had this option open with her. When Mallea hit middle school G and I talked and we knew that was always an option. we always had it in the back of our minds that this would happen. Especially with her struggles. Seeing how her anxiety levels started to really spike last school year and noticing that gap get a little wider with her understanding socially, it just sort of evolved this year. When it comes to the kids and the decisions we make I don’t really overly discuss things generally. I don’t know but I am sure there is some psychological reason behind it. Anywho….G and I talked about pulling her out of school and home schooling her after a few situations this summer led us to understand some of her limitations and her needs were beyond what she was getting generally from school in a conventional manner. I am pleased with the support we got from the special education Assistant Supt. I have always been impressed with her and her pragmatic approach. I am so glad we have her full support behind us and I am confident that this will be the best thing for her. She will be able to study at her own pace and she will be able to pursue other courses that she otherwise would not have the time or ability to if she were going to regular school.

G and I decided that I need to cut my day short. My goal is to be done with office work at 1pm and be able to work from home after that. This will give me the ability to spend time with Mallea alone before the other two get home. Hopefully, I will be able to stick to that! LOL I also have some additional goals to pursue some interests that have long been passions of mine. I am making an effort to put forth time and effort into some of these interests since they bring me peace and help me have a creative outlet that I have always wanted/needed. My reading list has greatly expanded so that won’t go anywhere either. LOL

Let’s see if I can get some of these goals accomplished!

Gratitude: 1. The beautiful place in which I live. 2. Friends that make me laugh. 3. watching my son play with this dog. 4. my sisters 5. My sweet husband who is more compassionate than he likes for people to think he is. lol

Beverly Campbell does such an inspiring job as she explains Eve’s choice and her participation in Eden. This book was one of those that I could NOT put down! It really made me think. I love how at the beginning of her book she poses questions. Questions that are as old as the story of the Garden of Eden itself. This incredible book then takes you along with Eve through the thoughts of prophets, scripture, and other religious theologians from the beginning of the participation in the creation of the Garden, her and Adam’s life that was spent in Eden, and why she made the choice she did. As well as their journey from the Garden and what it truly meant to them and to all of us.

It provokes thoughts of Eve “The Mother of All Living” and the honor that beheld her in her decision to transgress (not sin) in order to bring mortal beings (namely us) into this world. This was part of the plan. This was a necessary step to The Plan of Happiness. The Fall was just as important as The Atonement along with The Resurrection. Her role was not accidental nor was it abhorrent as some would choose to believe. This struck a chord with me to my very core. To be a proud daughter of Eve and to be able to identify with that great woman, is something I feel is a pinnacle of my existence. Not just here on earth, but throughout the eternities. I firmly believe that she is was just as important as Adam in Eden. That she was a partner in their instruction from God and that when she made the choice she did, it was because it was time for her and Adam to move forward with The Plan that was made before this life. This clarified so many mixed emotions I had about Eve and my misconceptions of the perception of her. This book solidifies my knowledge that the gifts woman was given was to help balance the priesthood for man and that neither can “be” without the other. That it truly is a partnership and that with God at the head of the marriage man and woman are to each do their part in order to progress together through the eternities.

This book just didn’t make me happy I was a daughter of Eve, it strengthened my understanding of who I am and what my purpose is here on this earth. My gifts as a woman are divinely given and that I have a duty and obligation to use those gifts as God expects me to. I am proud of my lineage through the ages back to Eve and I embrace my womanhood. My strength as woman surpasses social custom and restraints veiled as misconstrued weakness. Of this, I am sure.

I am woman, hear me roar! Haha…kidding.

Graigg and I have been married 20 years. I can’t believe that it has been long and it feels like we have never been apart. It is kind of strange to have both those feelings at the same time. I could go on and on with how wonderful I think he is but we were having kind of a fun conversation last night at dinner (our actual anniversary day) and I thought I would expound on it here. We were talking about all the things we thought we learned from the past 20 years. What we learned from each other and what we learned from being together. It was a fun and meaningful conversation for both of us. So instead of talking about all the things I love about him (I do that too much anyway. lol) I wanted to just list a few of the things that we had fun discussing last night.

Things he learned from me (according to him): 1. How to be patient (obviously patience is something that people need with me. lol) 2. How to accept others despite their flaws. 3. How to turn a negative into a positive. 4. How to roll with the punches (especially when it comes to Payne). 5. How to be forgiving.

Hmmm…I’m not sure if I really taught him ALL of that but I thought it was so sweet of him to believe in me that much and to share those things with me.

Here are a few things that I learned from him: 1. How to stretch beyond what I THINK my capabilities are. 2. How to have more confidence in myself, both personally and professionally. 3. How to accept failures as life lessons and make things better the next time an opportunity arises. 4. How to believe in myself. (mainly because he always just believed in me.) 5. How to be more service oriented. (Yes my husband is actually better at that than I am.)

And a few things in the short 20 years that we have been together that has helped us not only stay together but grow closer to one another. I guess I look at it as the secret to how we have been able to be happy together for 20 years.

1. We have learned how to laugh at the little things. We really enjoy laughing as a family and a couple as it is. But to look for things to laugh at through the trials is something we both kind of developed a knack for. It is so helpful to have a partner that is willing to help me laugh when sometimes I just want to cry.

2. We have learned the importance of forgiving each other and not to sweat the small things. Sometimes things seem like a big deal at the time in reality they really aren’t as important as we thought. Learning to forgive each other of little things as well as big has been vital to our relationship and our ability to feel safe and protected by one another.

3. We have learned to be grateful for everything we have in our relationship and in our lives. Small or big, it really doesn’t matter. We firmly know that these are all gifts we are given and we truly appreciate those who are in our lives, and the temporal blessings we have been given.

4. We have learned to find joy in and through our trials. No matter how hard life can get we have learned to look for the good and find ways to bond together through hardships. Leaning on each other instead of blaming or looking for faults with one another has helped us to look at each struggle together as a team.

5. We have learned to enjoy each other and accept each other in spite of our deficiencies. To say that we are each other’s best friend just sounds kind of cliche. It is more then that. He calls me when he is frustrated or when he is excited or when he needs someone to help him think through something. I do the same. But we also rely on each other to help with balancing parenting duties, house responsibilities, and work. He knows instantly when I am “off” (as he calls it) or when I need more from him emotionally or even spiritually. I can tell when he is stressed or when he needs me to take over things that he normally handles.

As with all relationships we have our down cycles just like our up. But over all, as time goes by we look forward to growing old together instead of struggling to stay young together. Graigg made an interesting comment. He told me that loves learning and changing with me. He tells me he can’t wait to grow old with me. We look forward toward the coming years together. If we have learned that much just from the last 20 years I am excited to see what the next 20 bring us!

Ti amo Amore!

Our Song:

Dearly Beloved by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. I read another book by this author titled “Gift of the Sea” (in fact I am reading it again so lucky you….you get to read my botched review of that book as well.) I loved it so much and I loved her writing so much that I was confident that reading this book would be enlightening and introspective as well. I was not disappointed in any respect. AML has a way of expressing deep emotions or thoughts in such a profound yet simple way that it speaks to the soul. In Dearly Beloved she writes each chapter from the perspective of various members of a wedding on the day of the wedding of a young bride and groom. An exploration of the meaning of love and the woven fibers of relationships in particular marriage. The trials, the failures, the successes, the fulfilled or unfulfilled heart. I loved how she took different perspectives, put in timeless questions and ageless answers. The overall perspective is a beautiful but realistic view on love and it means different things to each person but how ultimately selfless, compassionate, joyous love can permeate every part of one’s life when it is lived and felt fully. Not to mean that there isn’t tragedy, grief, disappointment. But rather how we choose to act through that is what defines us and how we express our love for others depending on their roles in our lives. I HIGHLY recommend this beautiful book and it’s poignant and beautiful summations of love, relationships, and how they can become such a beautiful and deeply meaningful and necessary part of our lives. One of my favorite chapters talked about how marriage and love should be dedicated to God and, of course, to the other person. It talks about how when one gives of themselves wholey and with complete dedication and that act is received and even returned it strengthens and can become a higher form of love. To act naturally and in joy. This is where some of the humblest of details become the most beautiful. The simplest acts become the most meaningful and souls bond in such a way that transcends from this life into the next. That pure love of Christ becomes what we practice toward the other person, effortlessly and willingly. Another character reveals that “only love can be divided endlessly and still not diminish”. He then details that this is the love of God not the love of Man. I would go one step further and say that only love can be divided endlessly and not only not diminish but continually grow.

Another one of my favorite quotes from this book is “love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” I love this point of view and how it demonstrates that love is not exclusive but grows when the bond is a good common goal or joyful purpose of life.

There was so much of this book that I learned to look at love in a different light. There was so much of this book that reminded me of my parents and what I learned from them as a child. It brought back memories and feelings which I had forgotten. (as we always do when life gets in the way.) I learned about myself. I learned about what I need to work on as a wife, a mother, a friend. This is definitely going into my regular rotation. I loved Anne Morrow Lindbergh and her writing before this….now she is a hero and a mentor in life philosophy. Forget Plato and Socrates..Anne Morrow Lindbergh is a force of nature!

Link to the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Dearly-Beloved-Anne-Morrow-Lindbergh/dp/1556524900/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279239102&sr=8-1

Heading out in the morning for our 2nd honeymoon. I am so thrilled! Graigg and I talked about wanting to do something for our 20th anniversary. We talked about a cruise with a few friends. We talked about getting our vows renewed at Disney World (I know, big surprise, but seriously they have the coolest packages!!!) Anyway, with business things coming up and with our year already pretty much booked we figured a 2nd honeymoon would be the most conducive decision. I already talked about how we are going here….well, we are leaving in the morning. I have 3 books packed, my scriptures. I have my spa treatments booked (well, a few of them…I’ll book the rest when I get there.) I have my camera ready and lens for shooting and I can’t WAIT to take pictures, read, sleep, get massages, sleep, take more pictures, fish with my amore, well…you get the picture.

Here is what i can’t believe. It isn’t even 11 and I am packed and ready to go. LOL The house…clean. The kids….in bed. Everything is just…done. Weird, I never get everything done! LOL

So we head out tomorrow and I am looking forward to just spending time with my baby and relaxing and enjoying each other and look forward for the next 20 years. Yay us!

This was a song that we kind of took as “our song” the first month we were together….

I am so grateful: 1. for my husband! His dedication, his integrity, his character, his humor, just…HIM! 2. Good people who are willing to help take care of our children while we spend some time far, far, away. 3. How much help my children are around the house and how they always just pitch in and strive to help all out. 4. my faith…and my relationship with my Elder Brother and my Father in Heaven. 5. airplanes that take me to exotic and paradisaical places. (haha! I used the word paradisaical!)

Ciao Bellas! (I used to always sign my blogs that…maybe I will start doing that again.)

I am seriously one of the worst people when it comes to waiting till the last minute to get things done. Here is sit writing this cheesy blog entry instead of working on one of ohsomany tasks which must get done before we leave in two days. I really don’t know who I get this from….mom? Dad? (LOL) But I am sure I will get mostly everything done and that is pretty much everything any way, right? But I do have to say I’m not as bad as Graigg. I love my husband dearly, really I do. He is my one and only….he is my Amore….he is my rock. But the man can’t plan to save his life. I sometimes wonder how he gets things done when I am not here. Then I remember of all the times when I was out of town or not available and I would find out that the kids didn’t go to one practice or another. Yeah….the fact that I have a calendar of ALL daily activities taped to his monitor doesn’t really help since he won’t READ it. I can tell him 3 times in one morning that he has an appointment that afternoon and his response will be, “Yeah can you remind me of that when it is closer to the time?” (crazyboy) Really? Not only am I his assistant but apparently I am his up-to-the-minute assistant. I don’t know who is crazier, him for needing it, or me for actually doing it! (Okay in my defense, I do it because I love him and I want to do things for him….and because if I do it then he thinks I am the bees knees, well he does think I am the bees knees and now you all know why. LOL By the way, what IS so great about “bees knees”….anyone?)

So basically I just acted like the pot up there, didn’t I. Because, here I sit with two days before I leave the country and instead of doing things that I could do to get ready…..I’m being all bloggy.

Friday was not a happy day. Well, it was just stressful, kinda frustrating and very sad. I hate it when the people I love are hurting. I have always considered myself a faith-based kind of person. And I have to say that there are times when that faith has brought me through some very scary experiences, both emotionally and physically. I am constantly amazed at the strength my parents have and their ability to see the positive in even some of the most uncertain of times. I admire who they are and what they have done. I am who I am because of their hard work and their spiritual guidance. My hope is that I can be there for them as they need me in these coming months. I apologize, I know this sounds cryptic, I just don’t know how else to express what I am thinking and feeling right now….this is the best I have at this moment.

So I must end this rambling blog so that I can a few things done before the week begins tomorrow. Lot’s to do, and not a lot of time to do it. I guess I must acquaint myself with pro-activation and let procrastination leave by sneaking out the back door.

I absolutely LOVE Brad Paisley and this is probably my favorite gospel song – a combination I just adore.

Father’s Day Gratitude: 1. My Father In Heaven – what he has done for me and continues to do for me. I feel so loved and blessed. 2. The father of my sweet children – his dedication to his priesthood and to us as a family…I am blessed. 3. My father who has taught me everything from appreciation of music and fine arts to spiritual guidance – I am so very blessed to have such a man and example in my life. 4. My dear children and their dedication to their brother and the caring for him. 5. My health and ability to work out and exercise every morning….it is my saving grace in so many ways.

I have to post a few things I am grateful for today…. 1. my husband’s willingness to do things for me, even when he is sick. 2. the laughter and joy a good friend can bring into my life. 3. children who are so funny and willing help when I need them. 4. the new dishwasher that will wash my dishes for me. 5. yummy fresh pineapple.

It’s been a fun day.

So I was laughing with a friend this morning because this song came on the radio that was SO NOT romantic and we were talking about how funny it would be if I came home to candles, a hot bath, satin sheets and…….on the stereo…..I Wanna Sex You Up by Color me Badd. ( yes that is badd with TWO D’s because they are just that “badd”!) It made me think of how ridiculous some songs are. Seriously…have you ever read the lyrics to that song? NO really….read them. *eyes rolling*

Okay this made me think though about music that I listen to when I am in a romantic mood or when I want to think of my Amore. It is no secret I am a HUGE Dean Martin and Michael Buble fan. Harry Connick Jr. is also right up there for me. I’ll spare the reader of any visual by not saying what is on the stereo when Graigg is trying to romance me. I just love those big band style love songs. I think sometimes I was born in the wrong era. I’m lucky I have a man who knows what I like, and he likes it too! My kids are well versed in the “crooner classics” Bobby Darin, Nat King Cole….It is just so much fun to listen to! They tolerate me….for the most part. LOL

Grazie: 1. this beautiful warm day that FINALLY feels like summer! 2. Product Saturdays 3. the invisible fence that keeps my puppies happy. 4. Beautiful music 5. my hunky man.

For some reason, this makes me swoon….

To ME anyway. LOL Okay that is a total joke between me and a good friend so I thought it would be funny to use it as a blog title. Not that I really DO think I am a big deal. Quite the contrary. really. There really isn’t any reason for me to use that title….I just thought it was funny.

So last week was my birthday and I turned 40…..yes….4-0. Oh joy. What fun. Really. Nonotreally. My sweet man surprised me with a little dinner with a few friends. It was heavenly to go to my favorite restaurant and eat delish food and laugh with fun people. Now I have to clarify something here. We are not big on gifts for each other. I think it has just kind of evolved. We do small things to acknowledge each other on special occasions but we really don’t insist on getting gifts or anything like that. ***warning I’m going to get all philosophical*** It is funny how our relationship has evolved. I don’t know if it is just the amount of time that we have been married or what but we really aren’t the “get me something or else” kind of couple. It isn’t that we don’t get each other gifts. I think it is more that we don’t feel we have to get each other something just because it is a certain event. It isn’t unusual for Graigg to get me something just because it is Wednesday or because he was thinking of me. Or for me to see something at the store that I know he wants or would like and I just get it for him, just because. I guess I feel appreciated by him enough on a regular basis that I don’t put those kinds of demands on him. I do have to say I love how much we think alike on things. He truly is my best friend in the sense that I tell him everything. In the sense that I only want him to be happy and I know that he thinks of me before he thinks of himself or anyone else. And I know that he only wants me to be happy. We don’t have the conversation of “well you got to do ______, so I get to do _____” As if things have to be fair or as if one person can’t have more “fun” then the other. I’m not sure if this is making sense or not. But I just really appreciate that we are in a place in our relationship where we are not envious or defensive toward each other for opportunities or singular activities. Yeah? No? Okay….still sounds like I am rambling. At any rate, I decided a while back I wanted to get a new camera. I had lost my little coolpix which I may still get a replacement for that since I adored how easy it was to just click and shoot. However, I have had the urge and have decided to get an SLR camera. After much research and some testing I have decided that I want this one. I am trying to decide between this lens or this one. I’m leaning toward the second one. LOL I am still doing a bit of research but I think I have finally come to a decision. Then I just have to act on it. LOL

I am horrible at doing things like that. If there is one thing I am really big on, it is living within our means. I don’t have a credit card. I don’t like them. I pay everything in cash or with my bank card. I have always felt that if you can’t pay for it then you shouldn’t buy it. Now of course there are exceptions with regards to a home. But other than that, I just don’t see the need to go into debt if you can help it. Graigg and I haven’t had a car payment in 7 years and I can’t even think about how much I have appreciated and liked the fact that we don’t go into debt for that reason. I don’t fault people who do. Each person has their own ideals and what they deem as appropriate debt. I don’t presume nor make assumptions. But it really hit home for me and what it means for my family when I heard Elder Perry speak at the 2008 October Conference. And that was when I really thought about living within our means and how much joy it has brought us over the recent years. There has been a sense of lessened fear with regards to our finances because of our decisions to live within our means. Especially in these uncertain economic times. Well this blog certainly has evolved.

So I can’t wait to actually get my camera and start playing with it. LOL Toys for grown ups, right?

Here is a little gratitude: 1. my amazing husband and his love and support that I feel daily. 2. getting a real live old fashion letter in the mail from my pop. 3. not craving any sugar at all today. 4. my creative children. 5. sunshine. (It has rained several days in a row and today we got sun!)

A little music for a Friday night….